Looking At You
by bholley
Summary: Elsa and Anna have a tumultuous conversation in the hallway after dinner one night. It leads to a better understanding of a certain expression Elsa sometimes wears when she looks at her sister. (Post-canon one-shot, platonic sisterly fluff. Based on the expression in the cover image.)


"Why are you looking at me like that?" Anna asked one night as they walked down the hall after dinner. It was not with an accusatory tone; her voice was merely filled with curiosity.

"What do you mean?" Elsa asked, the serene smile fading from her face as they stopped walking.

"Like… like you just were," Anna trailed off, now unsure. "You looked at me like that at the coronation, too. You know, when you said…" Anna turned away, realizing that she was treading dangerously close to a potentially touchy subject.

"When I said what?" Elsa whispered, as if afraid her voice would shatter if she spoke louder.

"When you said you wished it could always be like this, too," Anna replied, her voice small and the slightest bit plaintive. When she chanced a glance at her sister's face, Anna found that Elsa wasn't looking at her any more. Her head was turned slightly and angled down.

"I'm not sure, Anna."

"Then what do you feel when you do?" Elsa paused at this, her eyes flicking back to Anna's face. As she gazed at her sister, Elsa's expression softened.

"Yeah, like that!" Anna exclaimed, moving closer and startling her sister. "What is that?"

"I… um…" the eloquent queen was lost for words. "I don't know what I'm feeling. I fought so hard for so long to not feel, I don't know what to call it." Anna's heart clenched in her chest at the matter-of-fact way Elsa said this. She opened her mouth to interrupt but Elsa continued.

"It's something I haven't felt in a long time, for sure. Not fear, not anger, not pain, not helplessness," she listed off her more common emotions carefully, her eyes cast down in concentrated introspection.

"Not loneliness. The opposite I guess. It's confusing, but not in a bad way. I suppose I wouldn't smile otherwise," she put a hand to her chin.

"Maybe… no. I'm not capable of that." Her hands clenched in front of her chest. The sudden harshness of her words prompted a response from Anna.

"Capable of what, Elsa?" The older girl was silent for a time, still thinking.

"The best I can guess," she finally continued, "even though I don't think it's possible… as far as what I'm feeling when I look at you…" she broke off and shyly looked Anna in the eyes.

"I'd say that I feel love. And happiness." Anna's face broke into a smile and she moved to hug Elsa, but the queen stepped out of her reach.

"But I know that cannot be," she said flatly.

"Why not?" Anna burst out a little louder than she had intended, but Elsa didn't seem to mind. She glanced guiltily at her sister.

"I'm not _supposed_ to feel, Anna. I… I can't. It's still not safe. I'm not sure I even know _how_. After all I've done I don't deserve to feel happiness or love."

"Why ever not?" the princess countered, pursuing her sister as she took another step back. "Who says you don't deserve that? Who says? Who?" Anna realized she sounded a bit hysterical, but she didn't care.

"Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show," Elsa's eyes were closed and she held her hands tight to her chest as she repeated the familiar mantra. "Monsters shouldn't feel." When her eyes opened again, they were slightly swimming with unshed tears. Anna's, on the other hand, were overflowing. _Papa? He didn't… he…_

"No." Her response was short, but her aghast tone gave it weight. Elsa turned away.

"No!" Anna repeated, moving to stand in front of Elsa again. Elsa found herself literally backed up against a wall and she struggled to keep her powers from manifesting.

"NO!" Anna shouted, tears streaming down her face. "Elsa, no! I never, _ever_, want you to say that or even think that ever again! You are _not_ a monster! You _are_ allowed to feel. You must!"

"I do, Anna," Elsa said, trying to keep her voice even, wishing desperately that she had her gloves on as she wrung her hands together. "I feel regret. Such deep regret for what I did to you. For the first time I ever hurt you, for the last time I froze you, and for every wretched moment in between. I stole your childhood! It was because of me that you were locked in this castle, all alone. It was because of me you felt abandoned, orphaned. It was because of me you fell for Hans' treachery. All of it. It's All. My. Fault!" Tears lanced down Elsa's cheeks, freezing in streaks on her face as her voice rose and cracked. She was cringing into the wall and Anna was shocked at how small she looked. Elsa's queenly façade was gone, lost somewhere between the innocent beginning of their conversation and the disaster it had become.

"And you… on the fjord… why would you _do _that? How could you say you love _me_?" Elsa wailed. "I killed you! _I_ _ruined your life_!" She finally sank to the ground, curled in a ball against the now-frosted stones. "Anna," her voice was broken now, "I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to feel love. Especially from you. That's why this is so hard. You make me _feel_." Elsa's face was buried in her knees, and she didn't notice Anna moving closer over the sound of her own sorrow.

"You make me feel happy. And I think I can feel love because I love you. _I love you. _I've always loved you. _Always._" As Elsa stumbled over these misery-laden words, Anna's heart simultaneously shattered and overflowed as she knelt beside her tormented sister. Elsa was too distraught to relay any more coherent thoughts. Only small choked gasps issued from her form as she sobbed with her face and hands turned to the wall to protect Anna as well as to hide from her.

"Elsa," Anna whispered gently, though she doubted Elsa was listening, "I love you, too." She placed a warm hand on Elsa's quaking back and the queen stiffened.

"Please listen to me, Elsa," Anna pleaded. "You are not a monster. You never were. I know this is true." She let her fingers gently smooth across the fabric of Elsa's dress.

"Monsters are incapable of feeling. Monsters don't cry, and they don't have regrets. Hans is a monster." She stopped to rid her voice of the bitterness it had gained. "But you're not, because you _can_ feel. And you _are_ feeling_. _It's okay to feel – I promise. I… I guess it stills seems wrong after all this time, huh?" Elsa didn't respond, but Anna was pretty sure she wasn't shaking quite as much now. The princess bit her lip and moved a little bit closer, resting her other hand on Elsa's head. The older woman shuddered but didn't move away.

"Monsters can't love. But you love me," Anna stroked her fingers through Elsa's hair ever so gently to keep from startling her sister. "I know you do. You said so yourself." She moved her other hand to Elsa's side so that her arm was wrapped around Elsa's back, almost halfway to an embrace.

"Remember, Elsa?" She asked quietly, moving even closer to murmur in her sister's ear. "Love thaws? You froze yourself for thirteen years. You believed those terrible lies. But I believe that love thaws, so I'm going to love you," she finally pulled Elsa's body into contact with her own, "soooo much that it will thaw all the things inside that are hurting you still." Elsa's sobs began anew, but she was much more relaxed. Accepting her fate, she let Anna pull her close to her chest. She slumped against her sister, who evidently didn't mind the biting cold that must be emanating from her body. But then Elsa noticed something odd. She felt _warm_.

She opened her eyes and lifted her head slightly within Anna's embrace and found that there was no frost anywhere. Not even on the wall where she had cried. She turned teary, wondering eyes to Anna's and found such an expression of love and acceptance on her face that her heart twinged and melted a little and Elsa _felt_ so many things that she was simply overwhelmed again. This time instead of hiding from her sister, Elsa let herself trust in this inexplicable love. She turned toward Anna, slowly, and let her knees down. She tentatively opened her arms a little, and Anna's face lit up at the timid invitation. With all the warmth and gentleness she possessed, Anna took Elsa into her arms and held her close as she trembled.

"There you go, Elsa," Anna murmured, snuggling into the embrace. "That's it. I've got you." Though Anna didn't understand why, this last statement sent a fresh wave of grief through the figure she held. She gently stroked Elsa's hair and rocked back and forth with her until the sharpest pain seemed over.

"I'm sorry," Elsa whimpered into Anna's shoulder.

"Don't be," the redhead replied. "Everything is forgiven. I love you. You don't have to be strong for me anymore." Elsa's breath caught in her throat and she stiffened.

"But I'm supposed to be your big sister," she muttered into Anna's shoulder, still unwilling to be released even if Anna would have let her pull away.

"So? Three years older, an inch and a half taller, what does it matter? I love _you._ I want to know _you_, not a mask you wear because you think you still have to protect me from yourself. We played that game for thirteen years, Elsa. Please, _please_ don't do that to me again." Anna fought back tears for a moment, struggling to speak.

"Just don't shut me out any more," Anna pleaded, rubbing Elsa's back. "Physically or emotionally. I don't ever want to be locked out again."

"_How?" _Elsa asked, overwhelmed.

"I know it'll be a big change," Anna said, still caressing Elsa's head, "but I'll help you. Will you promise to try?"

"I'll try," Elsa whispered fervently. "I promise. Just… please don't hurt me."

Anna paused her ministrations in mild surprise. She hadn't thought about how this could potentially harm Elsa. She internally scolded herself, but was honored and proud of Elsa nonetheless. The older girl admitted that she could be hurt, and she was giving Anna the power to hurt her. She probably felt extremely vulnerable, collapsed against Anna's chest as she was. Yet Elsa was still willing to trust her. It was a huge step.

It was also surprising and encouraging to see Elsa begin to care about herself. Anna had wondered if Elsa valued her own life at all after recalling how she had made no move to save herself from Hans on the fjord, so this was a good sign.

"I don't want to hurt you," Anna soothed. "It's going to be hard, but we'll be okay. I'm not going away. Not ever. I'm with you." She gently rocked back and forth again and felt Elsa relax a little more. "I promise." Elsa nodded against her shoulder in response and shifted a little.

"I love you, Anna," Elsa whispered and slowly, haltingly wrapped her arms around her sister as if unsure as to whether or not she could do things like that now. But she could, and Anna choked on tears and held Elsa even closer.

"I love you too," Anna's voice shook. "I love you so much."

They didn't know how long they sat, caught up in their healing embrace, but when they pulled apart and looked at each other tears threatened Anna's eyes once more. Because Elsa was looking at her _like that _again, and now Anna knew what it meant. It was a look that said, "I love you" in a manner much deeper than words could ever express. So Anna threw herself back into her sister's arms, smiling, crying, happy, and then elated when Elsa willingly hugged her back. 

* * *

><p>Later that week, Anna found her sister pacing the throne room after visiting hours were over, looking very tense. She glanced up when she heard Anna's footsteps and the princess was almost alarmed at how lost Elsa looked. To her credit, the queen had concealed that particular expression for the duration of the hearings, but found herself quite unable to suppress it in the presence of Anna's searching eyes. She had promised, after all, to not shut out the younger girl. So Elsa forced herself to stop concealing just for a moment before her eyes fell down and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. It wasn't long before a gentle hand found its way to her chin, lifting up her gaze to meet compassionate eyes.<p>

When Anna found trust amidst sadness and pain in those frightened sapphire eyes, she smiled a little bit and pulled Elsa into a warm hug and held on until Elsa's arms unfurled from around her own midsection and embraced her sister. And they stood there with Anna rubbing Elsa's back until most of her tension was gone. Then Anna would wordlessly pull away and take her sister by the hand and they would walk the halls together.

These incidents were not uncommon in the months to come. Sometimes as they walked, Elsa would talk about what had happened that made her upset, but sometimes she couldn't speak of it. Those times were usually the hardest. Anna would tell her stories to help her relax, or bring her to the library in front of a roaring fire until Elsa's chill receded and she could calm down enough to tell Anna what was wrong. A few times Elsa never spoke of what disturbed her, which irked Anna to no end.

"Anna, it's nothing."

"If it's not a big deal, you shouldn't have any problems talking about it!"

Over time Anna began to understand that sometimes it really was nothing at all that had brought Elsa down. Sometimes it was just a day that the lies spoke louder than the truths, so Anna would eventually bring Elsa into her room and make her lie down. Then she would wrap herself around Elsa's hunched frame to warm and comfort her and she would whisper love and truths into Elsa's ears until either she believed them and felt better or they both fell asleep.

Regardless, Anna refused to leave her side until she could tell that Elsa was all right. And since Elsa seemed to have no conscious control over whether or not she could produce _that look_, Anna began to take its presence as an indication that her sister was okay.

As the years passed and Elsa healed, that gentle expression became more common. It was always enough to melt Anna's heart no matter what mood she was in, because she knew it was genuine and true. It took time for Elsa to overcome the fears and the lies, but Anna never gave up on her. Now that she could see Elsa's love for her, Anna wanted nothing more than to lavish it back on her sister. So she did, with loving, beautiful, reckless abandon, and she knew she was winning over the pain whenever she caught Elsa looking at her with that peculiar expression of fondness and deep, timeless love.


End file.
